I'm not a tough person. On the outside I may appear strong and my hard headness is quite apparent, but on the interior I'm as vulnerable as they get. My insecurities mount and get the best of me and before I know it I'm swimming in a deep pool of self pity and questioning my self worth at best. I know without a shadow of doubt I have people in my life who love me and I've posted quite often on these blessings, however sometimes there are individuals who's lack of love and support just get the best of me.

My last year at UNCW, I had a string of bad roommates. I had a roommate who never paid rent or bills, and to this day still owes me quite a sum of money. I also had a roommate who before rooming together I considered a dear friend, however the consistent wearing down of one's self esteem on a daily basis by said roommate a friendship does not make. And my last roommate situation ended quite poorly, so to say the least I'm weary of friendships and relationships in general. I'm the kind of individual who trusts until you give me a reason not to, however, now I'm the complete opposite. Sad to say, but you have to work for my trust, and in that way I know I push people away.

What stings most for me isn't now so much the relationships that turn sour, but new ones, the ones still in development. When a friend is clearly favored over myself, when someone you can tell doesn't like you, when you don't know what to say to win a person over (headstands? Cartwheels? Chocolate?) it just becomes too much. And so my spirit gets worn down. I can make someone love me and hate me all in the same, a truth that pains me down to my core.

I have faith in God, a strong faith that he knows the inner workings of my heart and he'll the hurt and frustration. But sometimes I just simply seek earthly affirmation, and as selfish as it seems, I want it now. It pains me to say all this following such a showering and out pouring of love and affection from friends and family, but my heart right now is hurt and burdened. I write today not for "the viewing pleasure" but from the heart, something rarely done before from myself, but something that needs to be done none the less.